Michael Logan

Novelist, Journalist and other things ending in -ist

Ain’t getting on no plane? Shut up, fool, and fly BA.

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Mr. T demonstrates how planes fly. Sort of.
I hate flying. I really hate flying. I really really…well, you get the idea.
I’m the source of those noxious fear farts that get sucked up by the air conditioning to recirculate with decreasing intensity, like the echo of a grating voice in cavernous room.
I’m the person who claws big chunks out of the armrests any time the plane so much as wiggles. No matter how many analogies I draw with bumpy roads I always think I’m going to die.
I’ve been on a small jet that hit the wake turbulence of another plane on the way from Juba to Nairobi, making it feel as though a giant had grabbed the tail fin and was using the aircraft to scratch his hairy arse crack.
I’ve flown Tajik airlines, where the hostess told us the oxygen masks were ‘a mixture of fire and oil’ before the rumble of take-off made panels fall open and show exposed wiring.
I’ve been on a plane that had to turn back and make an emergency landing after getting a cracked windscreen on the way to Moscow.
You would think I wouldn’t fly any longer, but I have to: for work and to visit family. And so, rather than spend the rest of my life in a fear funk, I have decided to start a new airline for all those like me.
Fortunately, I have been lucky enough to have Mr. T—BA Baracus of A-Team fame—come onboard as founding partner of our new airline, which I can now unveil:
BA Airlines
Aint’ getting on no plane? Shut up, fool, and fly BA
Our business model is simple. The night before you are due to fly, we give you a nice glass of warm milk. While you are ‘sleeping’, our staff bundle you onto a comfy stretcher, pop you into the back of an ambulance and shuttle you to your plane. You will wake up in a recovery room at your destination.
Best of all, our prices are competitive. With no need for in-flight services such as food or movies, and no need for seats, we simply slide the passengers into pods, allowing us to pack three times as many passengers onto flights and cut out all the overheads.
Add in the fact that our all of the planes in our fleet will be fitted with giant dungarees and draped with gold chains, and that the engines will be moulded and painted to look like bulging biceps, and I’m sure you will agree this is a winning business model.
Mr. T and I hope to have our first flights up-and-running by the end of 2014.
Any potential investors who wish to get in on the ground level on this astonishing venture can send money to my bank account, details of which will be made available upon request.
Don’t be a sucker. Fly BA.

New writing contest

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I’m a big fan of writing contests. They give you focus, a deadline and kudos in victory, which you can then use when approaching agents and publishers.

I’m an even bigger fan of first-novel awards, as winning the Terry Pratchett prize (see how I’m not afraid to name drop) got me started.

So, I was pleased to see the inception of the Bath Novel Award.

If you are unpublished author with a work in progress, or a completed novel, get over there right now and enter.

And the winners are…

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And so, the two winners of signed copies of Apocalypse Cow are:

Gerard R Burge, for the Top Gear combine harvester with flamethrower attachment, something I wish I had written into the book. Could just imagine Clarkson overrun in a field, fighting to the last, before finally being pumped and gored.

Jas Young, for a bizarre crocheted crossbow that fires knitting needles up cows’ nostrils.

Please send your home addresses to freelancelogan@fastmail.co.uk.

Sorry for the delay in picking winners. I have spent most of this week being rather sick.

Cheers,
Michael.

Win Signed Copies of Apocalypse Cow

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Today, the UK paperback of Apocalypse Cow, winner of the inaugural Terry Pratchett Prize, goes on sale. To mark this occasion of global import, I am giving away two signed and personalized copies, which I will post to anywhere in the world.
To enter the competition, simply answer the question below and post your response either as a comment on this blog, as a message to @MichaelLogan on Twitter, or as a comment on my Facebook author page.
The question is: If you were attacked by a zombie cow, what method and/or weapon would you employ to defend yourself?
The two funniest, and punniest, answers will win the books. If you lose, don’t worry: it’s on sale in all the usual places, priced at around six quid.
The competition will run until the end of Monday 13 May, and winners will be announced the day after. I will then arrange to get your home addresses privately, as we don’t want your online stalkers to find out where you live.
As to why you should want to win a book about zombie cows, here is what the critics think:
‘Apocalypse Cow made me snort with laughter’ – Terry Pratchett

‘”This clever and very funny twist on the traditional zombie novel is exceedingly well executed (it approaches but never quite steps into parody territory), and it ends with a scene that pretty much demands a sequel. Great stuff for horror and fantasy fans”‘ – Booklist (Starred Review)

‘A comic, blood-soaked romp through the UK, at times a hilarious social satire, and at others an action-packed gore fest, sure to please fans of the traditional zombie story…an accomplished novel by a promising writer’ – Press Association

‘Logan has a flair for unique description … and for painting a mental picture almost photographic in its clarity. An impressive start for an author who’s going places’ – Publishers Weekly

‘Michael Logan gives us a fast-paced dark comedy stuffed with violence, sprinkled with sex, reminiscent of Tom Sharpe, including witty lines and observations that are Pratchett-esque in their pointiness’ – Sunday Express

‘Ploughs the same furrows as Shaun of the Dead, wonderfully parodying the zombie and survival horror genre, but at the same time paying homage to it…worthy of a place amongst the best apocalyptic fiction…eminently readable, brilliantly written and side-splitting funny’ – Bookgeeks.co.uk

‘Logan manages to find a great balance between the dark and disturbing and the quirky and hilarious, all the while intermingling plotlines like a seasoned pro’ – Rue Morgue

‘This is one of the funniest zombie books I’ve ever read. Michael Logan has created a great new entry in the genre, and promises to be a must-read author’ – Night Owl Reviews

‘Michael Logan’s black comedy is an absurd yet utterly addictive read’ – Stylist Magazine

Spew of Consciousness, or How I Write a Novel

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Right, you didn’t ask for this, but you’re going to get it anyway: a blow-by-blow description of how I write a novel.
When I first switched from short stories to novels, I found it hard to transit, for the simple fact that once I had written any more than 3,000 words I felt the need to compulsively edit them until they were perfect. This didn’t work for me, which I realized one day when I looked at the file names of a book I was working on. I had only three chapters, at v17, v18, and v21 respectively. It had taken me almost a year to get to this point. Clearly I had a problem.
So, I resolved to mend my ways and ban any editing until I had a full first draft. From this simple decision, the following method evolved. It won’t work for everybody, but this is now the only way I can get it done.
Draft 1
Probably the best way to describe my early-stage writing process is ‘Spew of Consciousness’. For the last seven weeks, I have been sitting at my laptop barfing up ideas, plot twists, character quirks, thematic concepts, scenes and general mind frippery onto the page as soon as they occurred to me. The result is 74,000 words of the first draft of the sequel to Apocalypse Cow.
This jumble of words can only be called a book in the loosest sense of the word. It’s more akin to the first stage of putting together a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle: the bit where you take all of those colourful little cutouts and turn them face up on the floor, perhaps making a half-hearted effort to find the corners and some of the edges, and hope your children don’t come rampaging through to kick them everywhere or jam them up their noses.
The purpose of this draft is simply to get everything in plain view, so I have a vague idea which characters are going to do what and when and, crucially, how it is going to end.
Draft 2
Now comes the laborious task of putting all these pieces together in the right order.
I will create complete profiles of every character in the book (as opposed to my early profiles hitting only the main points), even the minor ones. Each one will have histories full of details that won’t make it in the final text, physical descriptions, and arcs where appropriate (pop up, get eaten by a zombie badger isn’t really an arc). Since I have about 17, that’s going to take some work.
I will create a document laying out all of the rules for my world to ensure everybody and everything behaves as they should.
I will draw up a very large timeline on flip-chart paper, with the different POVs on different lines, that shows the major developments in plot and character. This is useful to provide me with an easy way of visualizing how the pace is progressing and whether I’m neglecting any one character for too long.
I will write a full and detailed outline of the book.
Once all of this is in place, I will go through the second draft turning all my notes and placeholders into proper scenes, with an eye mainly on pacing and inconsistencies in plot in terms of both reveals and placement of crucial elements.
Draft 3
I will go through it POV by POV (skipping chapters that change to other characters) to ensure I have the voices and actions/thoughts/emotions of these characters correct. This will include reading out every line of dialogue, perhaps in silly voices approximating each character, to make sure it sounds real.
Draft 4

I will go through it focusing on ensuring the rules of the world are followed everywhere.
Draft 5
I will go through it to check every ounce of comic potential is squeezed out.
Draft 6
I will go scene-by-scene and line-by-line to ensure the prose makes the story live and breathe.
Draft 7
By this point completely sick of the damn thing, I will start to despair and tell myself this is the biggest pile of dross ever written, but I will soldier on to check for typos and other little errors introduced by my constant editing.
Draft 8
With a complete manuscript, I will ask a group of readers to have a look at it and rip it to shreds (I always ask my readers to focus on what’s wrong, not what’s write. I will then gather all their feedback, consider what I agree with and don’t agree with, and go through it again.
Draft 9
I will then read it again, obsessively, just in case I’ve missed anything.
Draft 10
I will then compose an email to my agent, attach the manuscript and outline, and then hover with the mouse over the ‘send’ button. I will then delete this email, and go back to have one last look, honest. During this phase, I will catch loads of small mistakes and probably decide to make a few significant changes. Finally, exhausted and wondering why I ever became a writer, I will send it off and then spend the next couple of months expecting to get an email rejecting my latest work. 

Seagal v Putin, or Why I Love Twitter

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I’ve been on twitter for a long time, and as a journalist it provided an invaluable tool for getting statements and updates from official sources, and for getting a feel for what was happening on the ground in places I couldn’t visit. The recent Kenyan presidential election was great for that. It was a lot of fun listening to all the jokes being cracked at the start, and you could almost feel the tension mounting as the election body botched the announcement of results.
But that’s not why I love twitter. I love twitter because it enables you to have silly exchanges like this one imagining what would have happened had Steven Seagal and Vladimir Putin, two of the world’s most macho men, gone toe-to-toe when they recently met in Moscow. (the first tweet was from my account).
Seagal meets Putin. I think Seagal would win the fight. He can’t kick above waist height any more, but Putin is short so it doesn’t matter.
@MichaelLogan unless Putin puts in a sucker punch early.
@Woozie_M Nah. Seagal’s scrote is protected by a woven net of spongy ball hair, which absorbs and redirects the force.
@MichaelLogan but Putin is a mastermind of war he’ll find a weak spot. Like jumping to get Seagal’s double chin.
@Woozie_M His double chin is so large they could lose Putin in there. It would take a rescue party 2 weeks to find him.
@MichaelLogan Not necessarily. Putin’s nose always points north. I’m sure it would help him navigate his own way out
@Woozie_M Seagal would use his Kung Fu Zen to unleash an electromagnetic pulse, rendering the nose compass impotent.
@MichaelLogan not if Putin releases his fail safe: weapons of itch destruction, causing Seagal to scratch him out.
@Woozie_M Ah, but Seagal’s nails are made of titanium and his skin of diamond, so scratching would cut Putin to ribbons.
Considering there was no response, I take that as victory for Seagal. Sorry, Michael Onsando!
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