There are many Michael Logans out there, as a quick trawl through Google Images in an idle moment revealed, and so many magnificent alternate lives that could have been mine, had I been just a shade more fortunate.

Of the many Michaels out there, I have selected the finest specimens – Michaels I myself would be proud to be – and present them here to you, one by one in order not to dissipate their glory.

Wrestler Michael 

Behold my splendour! Gape at my awesome muscles! Marvel at my two-tone dye job! Gasp as I crush a walnut with MY BARE HANDS! Tremble as you imagine toweling down my sweaty body! Admire what might be a beard or just some lint clinging to the underside of my lip! Marvel at my fake pearls, purchased at the WalMart conveniently located a five-minute pick-up-truck ride from my trailer park! Do not confuse my fearsome stare with Strabismus, which I was diagnosed with as a child but have managed to completely disguise by being COMPLETELY FUCKING HARD!

Ejaculate as you imagine me and my live-in partners and wrestle buddies, Hamshank Hank and Devon Casey, writhing naked together beneath the cowhide blanket that covers our grubby bed! Nod in sympathy as you imagine all the hair that clogs the drains in our shower, which I have to pick out because Hank and Devon are filthy! Cluck in disgust as you picture Hank stealing my spare pair of pink shorts because he soiled his (again) after drinking 20 Pabst Blue Ribbon and passing out on the floor, weeping and dreaming of what could have been if only he had the talent, in front of WWE SmackDown!

Do not be taken in by the cheesy glamour of this other wrestling Michael Logan (aka The Canadian Gigolo, or the Sexual Intellectual) who is totally nowhere near as sexy as me! Laugh at his attempt to boost his sex appeal by getting his granny to lather on the lipstick and kiss his nasty speedos! Mock the fact his wristbands are way too tight, making his hands a completely different colour from the rest of his permatan body!

And, finally: send me some money, as my wrestling career hasn’t taken off the way it should have, I’m three months behind on my alimony payments and my Doberman needs a new kidney!