Cruel Britannia

Right, you didn’t ask for this, but you’re going to get it anyway: a blow-by-blow description of how I write a novel.

When I first switched from short stories to novels, I found it hard to transit, for the simple fact that once I had written any more than 3,000 words I felt the need to compulsively edit them until they were perfect. This didn’t work for me, which I realized one day when I looked at the file names of a book I was working on. I had only three chapters, at v17, v18, and v21 respectively. It had taken me almost a year to get to this point. Clearly I had a problem.

So, I resolved to mend my ways and ban any editing until I had a full first draft. From this simple decision, the following method evolved. It won’t work for everybody, but this is now the only way I can get it done.

Draft 1

Probably the best way to describe my early-stage writing process is ‘Spew of Consciousness’. For the last seven weeks, I have been sitting at my laptop barfing up ideas, plot twists, character quirks, thematic concepts, scenes and general mind frippery onto the page as soon as they occurred to me. The result is 74,000 words of the first draft of the sequel to Apocalypse Cow.

This jumble of words can only be called a book in the loosest sense of the word. It’s more akin to the first stage of putting together a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle: the bit where you take all of those colourful little cutouts and turn them face up on the floor, perhaps making a half-hearted effort to find the corners and some of the edges, and hope your children don’t come rampaging through to kick them everywhere or jam them up their noses.

The purpose of this draft is simply to get everything in plain view, so I have a vague idea which characters are going to do what and when and, crucially, how it is going to end.

Draft 2

Now comes the laborious task of putting all these pieces together in the right order.

I will create complete profiles of every character in the book (as opposed to my early profiles hitting only the main points), even the minor ones. Each one will have histories full of details that won’t make it in the final text, physical descriptions, and arcs where appropriate (pop up, get eaten by a zombie badger isn’t really an arc). Since I have about 17, that’s going to take some work.

I will create a document laying out all of the rules for my world to ensure everybody and everything behaves as they should.

I will draw up a very large timeline on flip-chart paper, with the different POVs on different lines, that shows the major developments in plot and character. This is useful to provide me with an easy way of visualizing how the pace is progressing and whether I’m neglecting any one character for too long.

I will write a full and detailed outline of the book.

Once all of this is in place, I will go through the second draft turning all my notes and placeholders into proper scenes, with an eye mainly on pacing and inconsistencies in plot in terms of both reveals and placement of crucial elements.

Draft 3

I will go through it POV by POV (skipping chapters that change to other characters) to ensure I have the voices and actions/thoughts/emotions of these characters correct. This will include reading out every line of dialogue, perhaps in silly voices approximating each character, to make sure it sounds real.

Draft 4

I will go through it focusing on ensuring the rules of the world are followed everywhere.

Draft 5

I will go through it to check every ounce of comic potential is squeezed out.

Draft 6

I will go scene-by-scene and line-by-line to ensure the prose makes the story live and breathe.

Draft 7

By this point completely sick of the damn thing, I will start to despair and tell myself this is the biggest pile of dross ever written, but I will soldier on to check for typos and other little errors introduced by my constant editing.

Draft 8

With a complete manuscript, I will ask a group of readers to have a look at it and rip it to shreds (I always ask my readers to focus on what’s wrong, not what’s write. I will then gather all their feedback, consider what I agree with and don’t agree with, and go through it again.

Draft 9

I will then read it again, obsessively, just in case I’ve missed anything.

Draft 10

I will then compose an email to my agent, attach the manuscript and outline, and then hover with the mouse over the ‘send’ button. I will then delete this email, and go back to have one last look, honest. During this phase, I will catch loads of small mistakes and probably decide to make a few significant changes. Finally, exhausted and wondering why I ever became a writer, I will send it off and then spend the next couple of months expecting to get an email rejecting my latest work.

Thanks to everybody who entered the competition to get your name included in Cruel Britannia, the sequel to the mild-seller Apocalypse Cow. You have saved me from trying to come up with names. For this you have my eternal gratitude, although rest assured it won’t manifest itself in any payment whatsoever. However, I will do my best to get signed copies to all of you if, by some miracle, my publisher decides I haven’t completely lost my marbles under the sofa of insanity with this one and puts it out there.

The entries were a mixture of bribery, shameless flattery and mild insanity, all of which I wholeheartedly endorse. Since the entries from the small-but-dedicated band of zombie cow acolytes were relatively few, and the cast of the novel last relatively large, I can do my Hot Chocolate impression and announce ‘Everyone’s a winner, baby.’

And so, with no further ado, here is a who’s who of the characters assigned.

Ruan Peat – One of the four main POV characters, a young female survivor who enjoys shooting sheep and the taste of Pedigree Chum Fish Oil with Chicken. This name just fit the character perfectly, so thanks Ruan!

Scott McDonald, Hannah Campbell, Eva Gilliam, Tom Dixon – Members of the resistance commune practicing combat yoga.

Glen Forbes, Tim Roast – Members of the pretty bloody useless inner council of BRiT (Britons for the Rights of the InfecTed), which is making a hash of ruling the post-infection Britain.

Jack Spencer – A representative of the British government-in-exile, who is involved in long-winded UN discussions on exactly what to do about the UK, particularly which type of large, deadly bomb to drop on it.

Andy Scholz, Mick Sailor, James Anthony Hilton, Peter Abraham – Mercenaries all. One South African, one Irishman, one posh Englishman who does it for fun, and former SAS guy who needs the money to support his three ex-wives.

And here, in the random order I cut-and-pasted from various social media pages, are the full pitches:

Glen Forbes

UK govt/mil official… cos I can do it. Or I send the boys round!

Mick Sailor

I say, in honor of St Patty’s Day, a character by the name of Mick should be included. The Irishmen and the Scots have history, after all. And the fact my name is a derogatory term for myself is something I’ve always found amusing. Plus, I’m recommending your book to everyone I know who reads. Okay, I’d be doing that anyway, you caught me. Besides, it’s not like I have many friends to begin with, so your fan-base could only grow by half a dozen. Oh, wait, one’s since passed. Five, then. Wow, five friends… Sad. That alone would be reason enough to include my name, yes? No? How about the fact I bear a striking resemblance to Geldof? Hell, I don’t care, I just want the sequel to get here ASAP! 😀

Tim Roast

I’d like a character named after me, Tim Roast, preferably as a government/military official. Why I deserve to be a character? Because I read the first book, reviewed it on Amazon and here (Amazon headline “Apocalyse Cow… Wow!”), 5 star ratings both, which was well deserved because of the outlandish premise of the story and the humour that ran through it, from start to finish (flattery will get you everywhere).

Of course my name may not be suited to being such a character in your eyes in which case I respect your decision should another name be used, but to be a character in a book written by someone else would definitely be a very fun thing, especially if it is as good as the first book.

Hannah Campbell

There are a variety of reasons I could list as to why my name should be used as a character in your upcoming sequel. One reason is that if a zombie apocalypse were to strike, I would likely be one of the first unfortunate idiots that caught it eating an infected cheeseburger, so I feel a bit of a connection with the randomly sentient zombie, searching to satisfy an insatiable hunger (much like I already do). On the other hand, if by some miracle I were to make it out with my “humanity” intact, delivering the virus to the rest of the world does sound like something I would do…

Another reason is destiny; if you hadn’t liked my review and if I weren’t up at 3AM for no reason then I never would have found this. This is obviously fate at work here.

But the main reason is that my first name is a palindrome and my last name is a popular brand of condensed soup. Why would you pick anyone else?

James Anthony Hilton

I’m a wannabe writer, who better to have in a crisis than a writer, sat typing away on his typewriter or 20th century ipad while all hell is let loose around him! Anthony- or ant for short hasn’t been a popular name in fiction, friction or sci fi, what better way to renew Anthony as a famous character name! The world is his oyster!

Hilton – the jokes are fair to many, perez, paris, hotels, smelly cheese etc etc.

So you have a wannabe writer, late thirties, family man, his good drinking days are gone but he still has the belief that his next piece of written work will win him fame and fortune, alas he works in catering and instead spends his time microwaving meals and losing all respect he once had for himself.

Scott M. McDonald

The name Scott McDonald fits both geographically AND topically. I am a man the size of a bear with the temperament of an artistic ogre who is reputed to eat small children on occasion, you could do a lot worse for a character. And then there’s the 5 extra copies I would have to buy for sharing with friends. Maybe 10, I have a lot of friends for an ogre…

Peter Abraham

Because I feel horses should have their own back on the shameful volume I eat my burgers, and at the same time I owe my friends an extension laugh on biblical/presidential/Chelsky references to my name, for putting up with my never ending glowing reports on your excellent book!

Jack Spencer

Jack – A strong and traditional English name that provokes mischievousness and amusing anecdotes. My name should be included in the sequel as since reading the brilliant first novel, I have purchased no less than 4 extra copies as gifts for friends and family. Imagine how many I would buy and distribute if my full name was included as a main character!

Eva Gilliam

I think my name should be used for: “A member of a resistance commune living in an abandoned torpedo station in Scotland, where they learn combat yoga and meditate to resist the imperatives of the virus” because I have been doing yoga consistently for two weeks, and I meditated 3 times in 1992 – in INDIA!

Tom Dixon

I deserve to have my name chosen as Mr Logan once nearly made me give up writing completely. Only after talking to me online for 3 hours convincing me otherwise did I continue. Therefore I reckon he owes me one. I will gladly take any character.

Andy Scholz

I would like to put my name forward for a South African mercenary. I have dedicated the last 10 years of my life to trying to say ‘white bread brown bread’ in a South African accent. Surely this means I deserve the accolade of appearing in your book representing the South Africans? (I was born in Blackpool)

Ruan Peat

I would love my name used for your book, I am so torn though, I think I could be wonderfully long winded and if you wanted I could suggest parts of England that could be enhanced by a little C4! but then I live in Scotland and while hatha yoga isn’t combat yoga, it could be! I don’t like the commune Idea as I am a bit OCD about things! But that could be fun too… and then I do go off and do daft and nutty things (like commenting here!) so a stupidly dangerous mission is right up my street, could I take sandwiches? The only one I wouldn’t be is a random Zombie, there is nothing random about me! And football is just nasty! disorganised and played in mud! 🙂 I have had my name used before which I found out afterwards when I met the author and she found out I am a she and not a he! Her male protagonist got named Ruan, but I am not male 🙁 but for the zombie cow book 2 I care not, Use my strange but fun name if you can! I challenge you.

Spew of Consciousness, or How I Write a Novel

The results are in and the winners are…everybody!