I hate flying. I really hate flying. I really really…well, you get the idea.

I’m the source of those noxious fear farts that get sucked up by the air conditioning to recirculate with decreasing intensity, like the echo of a grating voice in cavernous room.

I’m the person who claws big chunks out of the armrests any time the plane so much as wiggles. No matter how many analogies I draw with bumpy roads I always think I’m going to die.

I’ve been on a small jet that hit the wake turbulence of another plane on the way from Juba to Nairobi, making it feel as though a giant had grabbed the tail fin and was using the aircraft to scratch his hairy arse crack.

I’ve flown Tajik airlines, where the hostess told us the oxygen masks were ‘a mixture of fire and oil’ before the rumble of take-off made panels fall open and show exposed wiring.

I’ve been on a plane that had to turn back and make an emergency landing after getting a cracked windscreen on the way to Moscow.

You would think I wouldn’t fly any longer, but I have to: for work and to visit family. And so, rather than spend the rest of my life in a fear funk, I have decided to start a new airline for all those like me.

Fortunately, I have been lucky enough to have Mr. T—BA Baracus of A-Team fame—come onboard as founding partner of our new airline, which I can now unveil:

Our business model is simple. The night before you are due to fly, we give you a nice glass of warm milk. While you are ‘sleeping’, our staff bundle you onto a comfy stretcher, pop you into the back of an ambulance and shuttle you to your plane. You will wake up in a recovery room at your destination.

Best of all, our prices are competitive. With no need for in-flight services such as food or movies, and no need for seats, we simply slide the passengers into pods, allowing us to pack three times as many passengers onto flights and cut out all the overheads.

Add in the fact that our all of the planes in our fleet will be fitted with giant dungarees and draped with gold chains, and that the engines will be moulded and painted to look like bulging biceps, and I’m sure you will agree this is a winning business model.

Mr. T and I hope to have our first flights up-and-running by the end of 2014.

Any potential investors who wish to get in on the ground level on this astonishing venture can send money to my bank account, details of which will be made available upon request.

Don’t be a sucker. Fly BA.